When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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