There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
