I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
