Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
