getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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