Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
