well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize