i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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