I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
