My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
someone get that fucking seahorse.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
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