Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
