capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
