Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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