i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
