Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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