I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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