After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
