it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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