Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
