Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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