Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
