dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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