you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
