I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
