My sheets look like a crime scene.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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