Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Randomize
