I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
