Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
