sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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