can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I can text with my tongue
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
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