to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
