if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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