i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
