There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
