Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
