I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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