I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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