I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
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