When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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