Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
