My liver just broke up with me...
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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