He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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