Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
