Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
