and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
