I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
