Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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