And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize