i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
