Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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