I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
