My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
