You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
