Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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