I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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