Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize