Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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