my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
