my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
