3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
