in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize
