woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
