he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize