I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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