are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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