remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
