hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
