Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
